Widows and Widowers

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WHAT FRIENDS AND FAMILY NEED TO KNOW TO HAVE A BETTER UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT SHE IS GOING THROUGH  

FOR THE WIDOWED

STRESS RELIEF FOR THE WIDOWED

GRIEVING

HELPING THE WIDOWED

FINANCES CHANGED DRASTICALLY SINCE WIDOWED?

MONEY SAVINGS FOR THOSE OF US OVER A CERTAIN AGE

THINGS TO SEE AND DO IN TULSA

More posts about WIDOWS AND WIDOWERS 

 Purple heart Facebook: A Heart for the Widowed

35 Responses to Widows and Widowers

  1. Dawn says:

    Widows have a window into the unspoken pain of other widows.

    A Heart for the Widowed

  2. Carolyn says:

    For your Maker is your husband– the LORD Almighty is his name– the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth.Isaiah 54:5 (NIV)

  3. Brenda I. says:

    Life is short. Forgive quickly, love truly. Laugh uncontrollably and never regret anything that makes you smile.

  4. Allen says:

    http://www.tulsaworldtv.com/Angels-walking-among-us-30057848

    Listen to what he says around 2:35. The biggest adjustment is that I drive by…. and there is no one to tell that it is new or that it is gone or that I did this….That there is no one there to tell and share that experience. He says when he gets depressed at 2 in the morning he will drive to St. Francis Hospital because there is always somebody there.

    • Dave says:

      Grief is very isolating; people who are grieving feel very alone.

      Human Contact Can Literally Save Your Life. Here is why… Touch may be the first sense we develop in utero, and it remains important throughout our lives. Studies show that prolonged deprivation in infants (for example, babies in understaffed orphanages or preemies in incubator isolation) can result in stunted growth and poor immune systems right away, plus significantly higher rates of heart disease, obesity and type 2 diabetes in adulthood. (Source: Touch: The Science of Hand, Heart, and Mind by David J. Linden)

      “A touch, a smile or a hug when you need one.” “It’s hard to describe what they do for you, because when you think about it, it doesn’t seem like much. But at the time, when you really need it, it’s everything. Bill Salwaechter

  5. Kiley says:

    Different Kind of Christmas (Mark Shultz)
    .https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ziCbpoeUfDU

  6. Kerry says:

    The loss of a loved one is not just a statistic. Each is as unique as a fingerprint or a snowflake.

  7. Dani says:

    When faced with a decision about senior living, many seniors and their families find themselves in a whirlwind of information-gathering that is more daunting than at any other time in their lives. We suddenly find ourselves needing to be experts on complex issues in a very short period of time.
    A Place for Mom provides this: Senior Living Planning Guide: http://web28.streamhoster.com/apfmdev/family-guide_pdf.pdf

  8. Bertie says:

    Many widowed experience isolation, loneliness, fear of dependence, fear of financial problems, and the tendency to trust people they don’t know.

    For Instant Relaxation, Breathe in while you count slowly to four. Exhale while you count to eight. Repeat for one minute. The trick is to always exhale for twice as long as you inhale. Try it now.

    Why it works: Breathing at this rhythm increases your heart rate variability—the slight differences in time from one heartbeat to the next. In the long term, high heart rate variability protects against stress, anxiety, and pain. In the short term, it shifts your body from an anxious state to a calm-and-connected one. Muscles relax, heart rate decreases, and your mood improves. In other words: You’re ready to win the day.

    • Justin says:

      Things people can do for a widow or widower:

      water their flowers,
      help get house in shape
      fix guttering
      mow
      paint,
      if you see a need and know how to fix it – just do it.
      pull weeds in flower bed as you walk by .

  9. Donna says:

    Songs for widows::
    .https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rbJnNRvQLm8
    .http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MK4aqUzSd
    I Would ve Loved You Anyways by Trisha Yearwood (funeral)
    Go On Without Me ( reminder he is still near me.)
    Homesick by Mercy Me
    Over You Miranda Lambert
    To Where You Are Josh Groban
    While You Loved Me by Rascal Flatts
    Stars” by GRACE POTTER AND THE NOCTURNALS
    .http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ml7TmC__eDc
    Evanescence – My Immortal, The Other Side, My Heart Is Broken .https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5anLPw0Efmo
    .http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JB5PxVUn1
    .https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ZDdZ0rD
    .http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6rRaiT2AB
    In This Moment – Into the Light
    .https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ir-KDRv0LmE
    Avril Lavigne – Wish You Were Here
    .http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hH63dkeSWR8
    Celine Dion – Fly
    Celine Dion – My Heart Will Go On .https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DNyKDI9pn0Q
    Céline Dion
    Every night in my dreams
    I see you, I feel you
    That is how I know you go on
    Far across the distance
    And spaces between us
    You have come to show you go on
    Near, far, wherever you are
    I believe that the heart does go on
    Once more you open the door
    And you’re here in my heart
    And my heart will go on and on
    Love can touch us one time
    And last for a lifetime
    And never let go till we’re gone
    Love was when I loved you
    One true time I hold to
    In my life we’ll always go on
    Near, far, wherever you are
    I believe that the heart does go on
    Once more you open the door
    And you’re here in my heart
    And my heart will go on and on
    You’re here, there’s nothing I fear
    And I know that my heart will go on
    We’ll stay forever this way
    You are safe in my heart
    And my heart will go on and on.
    a song, by Great big World featuring Christina Aguilara, for the first time.

    Miranda Lambert’s song “Over You” and again with Russell Smith and The Amazing Rhythm Aces “Let It Burn”.
    .http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S2uC_ODp-Dc
    .http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kGTm8UfWHAM

  10. Glorai says:

    Grieving widow

    The key to every scammer’s success is being able to put you under “emotional ether.” “It’s when you’re not thinking cognitively, but emotionally,” Nofziger says. At no time are we more vulnerable than after the loss of a loved one, and con artists know that. A man was arrested last August for allegedly bilking an 89-year-old Wisconsin widow out of nearly $4,500. Police say he scanned obituaries for prey, then pretended to be a bank official to trick them out of money. He may have been working the scam across the country for decades.

    Your Plan Ask a trusted family member to temporarily handle your financial responsibilities while you are grieving. Have that person follow up on any suspicious phone calls or emails. And be aware that while you are grieving, you may be more vulnerable to fraud tactics that play on your emotions. http://www.aarp.org/money/scams-fraud/info-2015/scams-and-frauds-to-avoid.html

  11. Johanna says:

    “It is always most painful to say good-bye in death. No one to prepare you for this goodbye. No one can lessen the hurt. No one can make you want to. Even in the hurt, goodbye can lead to hello…Life is not to end with the death of a loved one. You are to grow. You are never to stop growing…You have new experiences ahead of you. You will new worlds to explore, new feelings to feel, new relationships to grow, and in the process, a new you can result.” -Doug Manning

    If you love deeply, you will grieve deeply. If you deny your grief, you will deny the reality of the love you felt. Diane McKendree

  12. Donna says:

    I don’t know how my story will end, but nowhere in my text will it ever read….”I gave up”.
    -unknown

    At first your home will be filled with lots of people coming and going, bringing food but when they leave and the quiet overtakes you it can be jarring.
    Be easy on yourself. All the practical matters that are part of everyday living still need to be done but now instead of the two of you planning and sharing the it is all your responsibility alone. You might not have the energy and you need time to figure out how to do the tasks you shared with your spouse. It is ok if the house isn’t as clean as it once was or if the laundry isn’t done. Take care of the necessary and give yourself a pass on the small stuff.
    It is ok to ask for help.Family and friends want to help. A church service program can provide a volunteer or referrals for competent workers if you need to hire someone.

    Your routine might change and you might want to move things to your preference for which drawer to keep the silverware or maybe you want to sleep in on Saturday. Living alone allows you the freedom to follow your own preferences. And that’s a gift you can give yourself in the difficult days.
    The home you shared with your spouse may feel empty and the emptiness can be a cruel reflectoin of yur own soul You have th power to change perceptions.

    Reframe the way you see your home. Fill the emptiness by surrounding yourself with consoling reminders of your spouse, photos, mementos from special trips, a favorite afghan, book or music you enjoyed togeter. Fill the rooms with your own favorites such as pillow, plants and flowers-things that make you feel good and bring you comfort.

    At the same time feel the emptiness within you. cherish the life and love you and your spouse shared. Nothing can take that away from you. Realize that now you are a different, person a better person for hang known and loved your spouse and for having been known and loved in return.
    Fill your life with other people Your family and friends can bring joy and richness to your life if you let them. Invite them not your home to spend time, to sit and relax, talk and share a meal. Being able to spend an extended length of time with loved ones can be a blessing.
    Consider a support group of widows . You’ll share with them an understanding of ht heart that is deeper than words.

    Lonely nights when you need to talk to someone but it is too late to call you can e-mail, even if you don’t get an immediate response just typing can be cathartic, post on Twitter, reach out to friend on Facebook or be part of a web discussion group.

    An animal-a dog, cat bird or even a fish brings life to your home. You might be the only human in the home but you aren’t living alone.

    Grieving is a demanding and profound process and it requires times of quiet and aloneness. The Trappist monk, Thomas Merton, wrote of solitude as necessary for the “recovery of one’s deep self”–words that describe well what happens as you grieve. We hear voices in solitude we never hear in the hurry and turmoil of life; we receive counsels and comforts we get under no other condition. observed Amelia E. Barr. Let your self receive the blessings of solitude.

    Remove that, ultimately you are not alone. In the loneliest of times, know that you share a sacred bond with many others who are also hurting and lonely. And realize that your relationship with our spouse endures. He is now wherever you are.

    Be aware of God’s presence at the center of your being and live out this awareness. Let this be your foundation and your compass…your grounding.

    As you transition from living as part of a couple to one person, living alone, draw from your life together–the gifts and blessings, the strengths and wisdom you received. But even as you treasure the past, take small steps to reshape your life. Try new activities , seek out new challenges, meet new acquaintances and explore deeper relationships with old friends. You can find new joys, new hope, a new sense of purpose.

    Can yu learn from your loneliness? Is God more accessible in its shadow? What wisdom, what solace, what mystery can enter your hear through its brokenness?

    When you are grieving the most ordinary parts of living -working, shopping, running errands-can take on an added challenge. Make your house into a place that soothes and shelters you-a place where you want to return to at the end of the day.

    Alone-loneliness to express the pain of being alone and the word solitude to express the glory of being alone.

    Along with sadness you may be hit by a flood of other sometimes conflicting feelings: anger, helplessness, fear, guilt, regret, loneliness, despair.
    Don’t try to push down these feelings as it seems they come back with greater fury.

    People want to help by telling you what to do but you might tell them you need to grieve in your won way and on your own timetable. Tell them you just want them to be with you.

    When people aren’t sure what to say tell them it is ok when they mention your husband….you want to hear the funny stories to laugh. It gives her something to hold on to in the middle of the night when she feels pain. Tell them to be their happy self and let you be be you.

    Family and friends can be priceless. Thrive on the fact that they want to help as they can be good company.
    Trust that life doesn’t end with death. Trust that life doestn’ end with death. Trust that loved ones who have died are forever with God and that God s forever with us., too.

    The many stages of grief (shock, numbness, denial. depression, confusion, fear, anger, bitterness, guilt, acceptance .regret hope may come in any order and any number of times. /
    Give yourself time to go through the grief at your own pace and in your own individual way.

    Anniversaries and holidays that used to mean joy and celebration can be among the toughest days of the year. You may want to forgo certain traditions or obligations if they seem too burdensome , or create new traditions that memorialize your loved one.

    Routine tasks of maintaining your job and family can help restore familiar structure which the chaos of grief threatens to destroy.
    Maybe you don’t have a job or young children to give you an anchor but you have personal attributes that have made you deal to your loved ones who are here, waiting to be tapped to bring joy to others. The world needs the gift of you.l
    You may feel overwhelmed as you try to adjust to the day-to-day changes the loss of a loved one can bring,

  13. Bruner says:

    I was hungry and you formed a humanities club and discussed my hunger.
    I was imprisoned and you crept off quietly to your chapel and prayed for my release.
    I was naked and in your mind you debated the morality of my appearance.
    I was sick and you knelt and thanked God for your health.
    I was homeless and you preached to me of the spiritual shelter of the love of God.
    I was lonely and you left me alone to go and pray for me.
    You seem so holy, so close to God.
    But I’m still very hungry and lonely and cold.

    –Author unknown

  14. Cindy says:

    Psalm 68:5 ESV

    Father of the fatherless and protector of widows is God in his holy habitation.

  15. Dawn says:

    Dr. Komaroff on malnutrition after the loss of her husband. June 3, 2016 column

    Someone wrote Doctor K that she hadn’t been motivated to cook since her husband passed away last year. Her doctor was concerned about her declining weight.
    He answered that he sees this with patients quite often. “The sadness and depression that follow the loss of a loved one can cause apathy. After years of cooking for two, it can be hard to make the effort to prepare regular, nutritious meals for one. Also, when you do make the effort to cook, little things remind you that you’re only cooking for one.
    If you’re not motivated to cook, you may wind up skipping meals. Or you may rely on less-healthy convenience foods, like cereal, frozen dinners or canned foods. Some of my patients eat the same thing for every meal. They don’t bother with fruits or vegetables; they eat poorly and their diet lacks variety.

    That can lead to malnutrition — deficiency in vitamins, fiber, protein or calcium. And malnutrition can lead to poor digestion, weight loss, bone problems and fatigue.

    The sadness that follows a loss can cause you to neglect caring for yourself, including eating well, and then poor nutrition can make you feel worse. It can be a vicious circle. You may feel like you don’t have the energy to cook, but once you start to eat right, you may suddenly have the energy to see your friends or family more often, go to the store, pursue a hobby — or even cook a healthy dinner.”

    “But when he’s gone, me and them lonesome blues collide. The bed’s too big, the frying pan’s too wide.’’0 songwriter Joni Mitchell

    Dr. K’s advice was to aim for three meals a day, using these general nutrition targets:

    Fill a quarter of the plate with protein (chicken, fish, legumes, eggs or cheese).
    Fill a quarter of the plate with whole grains (wild rice, quinoa, whole-wheat pasta).
    Fill half the plate with vegetables (go for variety and color).
    Add one piece of fruit, yogurt or both.

    He said he didn’t mean that every meal must have each of these components, just that this is a nice average to shoot for. For example, the following simple meals all are healthy:

    a grilled cheese and tomato sandwich on whole-wheat bread, with a piece of fruit;
    an egg atop whole-grain toast, with yogurt and fruit;
    a whole-grain waffle with a little peanut butter, along with fruit and a small glass of milk.

    Another tip is to blend convenience with fresh food. For example, take low-sodium soup stock and add some frozen vegetables. Or buy rotisserie chicken and use it throughout the week in soup, sandwiches or a salad.

    Finally, set aside one or two days per month to make a big batch of something — lasagna, soup, stew or a casserole. Divide each into individual servings and freeze for later use. That way, you have something healthy to just reheat on days when you don’t feel like cooking.

    Dr. Komaroff at AskDoctorK.com

  16. Bart says:

    SUPPORT GROUPS years after losing her husband, it’s still difficult in many ways

    Grief needs proper treatment-understanding, patience and compassion. ‘ . “You get a really strong feeling early on that you shouldn’t cry in front of people, you should cry in private. So you cry in your car, you cry in the shower, you cry yourself to bed at night,” ” a support group is a safe place where you are allowed to cry. You see others crying and you’re able to share with other people and you don’t feel quite so alone because you understand there are others who are in your same situation.”/helping others has also helped her. “I think that a lot of my own healing has come from giving back to others,” believes there is a stigma attached to being a widow. “People oftentimes react to widowhood as if it is a contagious disease.”
    We can hear in the lives of others some of our own experiences of grief. It is then we realize thta the road we walk is one others walk as well
    Put touch here
    a support group of widows. where widows could come together, talk about their problems, and support each other. Widow only’ or ‘widower only’ support groups can be very helpful Those in Widow only support groups reassure one another of their sanity and trade coping tips. Sharing thoughts inspired by sorrow may help others pm the journey towards regaining happiness. share with each other an understanding of the heart that is deeper than words. Lonely nights when you need to talk to someone but it is too late to call you can e-mail, even if you don’t get an immediate response just typing can be cathartic, post on Twitter, reach out to friend on Facebook or be part of a web discussion group. See the company of folks who have been there. Spending time with other widows Support group told stories and share an understanding deeper than a spoken word can help move along the grieving process.
    Don’t hide from your hardships of their losses, but to share them in group. You need to be real somewhere, because other people in your life will probably avoid talking about it. At support groups you can share your feelings…It helps to hear others express the same feelings you’ve been wrestling with. People who first say that no one can have ever felt this much pain actually hear others say the same thing in the group. They gain the strength of realizing they are normal. Being normal means wanting validation for a full range of feelings that loss brings. For example, it is normal for even your closest friends and relatives and even you not to speak the name of the one you have loved and lost . Somehow we have it within our power to pretend that someone we loved deeply and intimately must never have even existed.
    While grief is a very private emotion it can also be all consuming, if not shared. We all need others who can carry us when our own strength has simply left us.
    There are no maps to guide us through this fresh grief. But others who have made this journey can help by sharing what we have learned. THey show us it is possible to turn stumbling blocks into stepping stones along the way.
    Still hurting deeply from his absence Going to a support group and talking about your loved one is a way to honor him and the gift of this relationship that he was/is a part of your life.
    such a difference in their faces when they left than when they arrived, comfort, support and encouragement to other widows and deals with topics that affect widows such as finances and dating.
    Some wake up at an early hour. instant message others in their grief group or go to grief internet chat rooms so they can communicate with other late-night grievers. There are lots of them including but certainly not limited to: http://www.city-data.com/forum/grief-mourning
    Churches may offer this so you can meet with others who have been through a loss similar to yours./Books on grief helped with the sleepless nights to find much solace.There are books at the library by people who know grief firsthand. An animal-a dog, cat bird or even a fish brings life to your home. Pets can be a source of comfort with their unabashed affection. You might be the only human in the home but you aren’t living alone.
    Your pain can make you more understanding, compassionate and loving.
    You may be drawn to people who have experienced a loss like yours and can understand some of your feelings and questions. Many people in early grief find comfort in bereavement support groups. But no one can ever totally understand your grief, your questions, and what your loved one means to you. Like all relationships, each person’s grief is unique and complex.
    The widow spent her days unable to get out of bed, wrapped in her dead husband’s clothing as a way to stay close to him. As a fellow widow, Craig knew the pain all too well.
    Time alone does not heal–it’s what we do with that time that counts. Take time away from grieving to do things you enjoy, to rest and replenish yourself.
    When a loved one dies, our hoped-for future dies, too.

    “A touch, a smile or a hug when you need one doesn’t seem like much. But, when you really need it, it’s everything. A word of encouragement can make the difference between giving up or going on. It’s hard to describe what it does for you, HUG- Without the physical relationship you and your husband share, you might realize that touch is more important than you would have expected. A massage therapist or getting ones hair done each week helps some. Touch may be the first sense we develop in utero, and it remains important throughout our lives. Studies show that prolonged deprivation in infants (for example, babies in understaffed orphanages or preemies in incubator isolation) can result in stunted growth and poor immune systems right away, plus significantly higher rates of heart disease, obesity and type 2 diabetes in adulthood. (Source: Touch: The Science of Hand, Heart, and Mind by David J. Linden)

    Isolation can rob you of socialization and purpose–two key components of health and wellness. Depression can become a major factor. Depression drains energy. Just getting out of bed can be exhausting.
    Can you learn from your loneliness? Is God more accessible in its shadow? What wisdom, what solace, what mystery can enter your hear through its brokenness?
    Everyone is lonely at times, even married people. You are not alone. loneliness is the pain of being alone and the word solitude is the glory of being alone.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    PRACTICAL NEEDS
    WHEN PARTNER DIES SHE MAKES THE DECISIONS BUT ISN’T SURE

    When a spouse dies suddenly without warning you don’t get to say goodbye. You don’t get to talk about the funeral service or the memorial or the cremation. You don’t get to find out what your loved one wants for their final wishes,” You may not have a chance to say good-bye or resolve certain issues. You may regret doing or not doing something.Most grieving people have some unfinished business with their loved ones It helps to talk with someone you trust with those concerns.
    “The first feeling many experience early on is insecurity. Not feeling safe anymore is very common and creates anxiety because you can’t see your future and you are instantly aware that the future that you did see is gone when your spouse dies. Feeling lost you you wonder what you are going to do.’
    shock is both real and merciful as your body and mind do this to protect your from overwhelming events. Numbness comes with the horrific news that they have lost their best friend, lover, confidant, life partner, companion, supporter, helper, financial manager, and household handyman. You don’t get to ask how to do certain things or where are certain things located. a widow has to learn what he did and how to do it, in addition to the things she always already doing. All the practical matters that are part of everyday living still need to be done …although you might not have the energy and … to figure out how to do the tasks you shared with your spouse.
    No one can prepare you for this most painful goodbye. The death of a spouse is rated among the most stressful life events a person can experience. Ranked #1 Stressor -according to the Holmes & Rahe stress scale
    often feel lonely, overwhelmed, stressed exhausted, Lonely and scared, not knowing where to turn with no instruction manual, and struggling in the ensuing chaos the hardest part for many is making decisions on their own. Practical matters demand attention in early grief when we are the most confused and least interested in things we used to care about.
    Instead of the two discussing and planning and sharing the responsibility the decisions are now one persons alone. overwhelmed suddenly need be experts on complex issues in a very short period of time.
    There are so many practical matters of all types and importance, that earn your attention, just when you are emotionally devastated. And the one person with whom you’ve discussed and share these kinds of concerns is gone–a daily reminder of your aloneness.
    he was the only person who has a vested interest in every single decision you make and she could bounce ideas off of him. faced with making them on your own, questioning if you are doing the right thing trust your instincts it’s extremely difficult.”
    feeling like half of her was gone she is in shock and by herself trying to survive/cope, forcing herself to get out of bed every day as she must be the one to get up and take care of things that have to be taken care of and to remember to eat
    It is natural for attention and memory tasks to be impaired under stress. The widowed often go through a time where memory is impaired. While grieving, one may be more vulnerable to fraud tactics that play on the emotions. Scammer’s success is knowing that you’re not thinking cognitively, but emotionally. Con artists know that at no time are we more vulnerable than after the loss of a loved one. Don’t let people coerce you into doing things that are uncomfortable,” Police warn that they scan obituaries for prey to trick them out of money. Ask a trusted family member to temporarily handle your financial responsibilities while you are grieving. They can follow up on any suspicious phone calls or emails.

  17. Dale says:

    predictors of a person’s longevity — a person’s close relationships and social integration according to psychologist Susan Pinker who has discovered in researching the impact that our human connections have on all aspects of our well-being, including our physical health. Those with intimacy in their lives, those with support systems and frequent face-to-face interactions were not only physically and emotionally healthier, but they also lived longer.

    It’s why women, who tend to prioritize spending time with their friends more than men, live an average of six years longer, Pinker said. And it’s not enough to text or email. The actual health benefits of socializing are only achieved through in-person contact, she said.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    USING GRIEF TO HELPING OTHERS

    It kept coming to me ‘I have to help the widows, she had to help the widows..spends much of her time helping other widows.
    But the pain of widowhood was still too raw and you might find it difficult not to cry.
    use social media to reach out to other widows. blog, TV
    get some business sponsors together to “Help a Widow Day”

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    WANTING TO HELP

    When someone offers to help you, let them. You should let people do things for you during this time. Even if you hate to be a burden. Reach out to others Accept their support now and in the future.
    Family and friends went to do something so tell them what you need. It helps them in their grief. Ask their advice for legal and financial matters consult experts, professionals you trust . Funeral and burial arrangements, thank you notes, the will, insurance, name changes on bank accounts and credit cards, on house and car titles, cleaning out his closet require attention and energy they might not have right now. We must file insurance claims, pay bills, write thank-yous, decide what we want to do with our loved one’s possessions, and on ad on.
    There are many persons who will if you give them an idea of your needs and desires. (CHECKLIST)
    http://widowwednesday.com/media/a-widowhood-workshop
    Family and friends can be priceless as they can be good company. (The Ministry of Presence.) While others cannot take his place or make the awful loneliness vanish but their presence can be comforting as hey allow you to talk.
    You might feel that you are in complete control and behaving normally but you might be wandering around in a fog. You are not going crazy. This is very normal.
    A church program can provide a volunteer or referrals for competent workers if you need to hire someone.
    People want to help by telling you what to do but you might tell them you need to grieve in your own way and on your own timetable. Tell them you just want them to be with you.
    It is ok if the house isn’t as clean as it once was or if the laundry isn’t done. Don’t worry about wasting time. All those things you should be doing will still be there tomorrow if you spend today doing something you enjoy, or even throwing a pity party, if you need to. You may feel overwhelmed as you try to adjust to the day-to-day changes the loss of a loved one can bring, For awhile almost nothing may seem to matter. Take care of the necessary and don’t agonize over what you didn’t get done as that only adds guilt feelings that depress you more. Don’t worry if you don’t seem to be getting much accomplished for awhile.Instead applaud yourself for everything you did accomplish no matter how short the list is. You will find that as you make adjustments to your life, you may develop greater independence. Gaining new confidence in your own actions and decisions you may like the feeling of overcoming natural fears that might have kept you from doing things. You will feel pride and pleasure about the new paths you are taking.

    FRIENDS NOTE: widows usually won’t reach out to friends for help. It works best if the friends offer the help first. For younger widows it may be an offer to babysit children. For older widows, a ride to the doctor’s office or help around the house.

    ______________________________

    If you’re married, there’s a 50/50 chance you’ll be widowed some day. In the blink of an eye, everything can change. there are simply no words to describe the pain. Few events can affect a married person so profoundly and change every part of her life as drastically as he death of a spouse . The impact of loss is said to be like a devastating tornado. The life they had together was ripped apart, piece of her existence crumbled around her, the world became unsure and unsteady. And like a massive earthquake, it produced a relentless series of aftershocks that are powerful and disruptive. The loss of a loved one is not just a statistic. Each is as unique as a fingerprint or a snowflake. While your loss echoes the loss of millions of others from generation to generation, it is very unique to you, as an individual.
    men usually die sooner after widowhood and widowers are quicker to remarry is why there are so many more widows than widowers
    You see something new or changed or maybe you did something and want to share that experience with someone, but there is no one to tell.
    At first numbness and a sense of unreality while you are feeling so much pain.

    widows worry about coping.
    Something deep within ourselves does die when a loved on is taken from us. and we may feel that there is a big black cloud handing over our head
    ” when your family is upset and you don’t have that family unit like you once did you feel very lost and very sad.
    make the most with those who mean the most. Forgive often and love with all your heart. You may never know when you may not have that chance again.

    ~

  18. Bart says:

    What I know beyond a shadow of a doubt is that God is with me. I know that he’s always been with me. It is evident in everything I have endured–and the fact that I made it through with some sanity. –acclaimed actor and director TYLER PERRY, who survived an abusive childhood

    Happiness is knowing there is a God…and being on speaking terms with him.

    I may not be able to live in perfect serenity. But I can ask:What will I , what will you, make of the gift of this hour, this day?” – DEBORAH LANDAU, poet, essayist and critic

  19. Betty says:

    GRIEF

    Grief is very isolating; people who are grieving feel very alone.
    Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith. It is the price of love. If you love deeply, you will grieve deeply. No one can lessen the hurt. If you deny your grief, you will deny the reality of the love you felt. Diane McKendree
    Early grieving is perhaps the hardest work you will ever do.
    After the death of his wife Joy, C.S. Lewis wrote that grief felt like fear. Grief is all that and more: shock, denial, anger, depression, despair, guilt, confusion, bitterness, regret. The only way out of grief is through it.
    When you are grieving the most ordinary parts of living -working, shopping, running errands-can become a challenge. The home you shared with your spouse may feel empty. Fill the emptiness by surrounding yourself with consoling reminders of your spouse, photos, mementos from special trips, a favorite afghan, book or music you enjoyed together. Your own favorites such as pillow, plants and flowers-things that make you feel good and bring you comfort. Make your house into a place that soothes and shelters you-a place where you want to return to at the end of the day.
    Grieving is a demanding and profound process and it requires times of quiet and aloneness. stoicism will not help Solitude, necessary for the “recovery of one’s deep self” in solitude we receive counsels and comforts we never hear in the busyness of life; get under no other condition, observed Amelia E. Barr. Let your self receive the blessings of solitude.
    Grief is not a feeling. It is a process; a slow and hard journey toward acceptance and peace. It s a hard long journey letting go of someone who was important to you in more ways than you fully realized. Your loss will never go away; there will always be a hole in your life. But scar tissue will form, and the work of grieving hastens its formation. The memories that torment you now will become your treasure, the lasting legacy of love. One day you will look in the mirror and see someone who is whole and healthy–someone who has journeyed through the long dark tunnel of grief and reached peace.
    Your pain testifies to the depth of your love and the depth of your loss. Karen Katafiasz Finding your way through Grief.
    Widowhood is a journey. here is no detour around the pain; you can’t go over it or around it, you have to go through it.. Pain usually diminishes over time and what we are left with are the cherished memories of profoundly important relationships that will always influence our lives.T hose who are strong will make it through.
    It is common to have difficulty sleeping, changes in appetite and blood pressure, tense muscles that are susceptible to strains, a weakened immune system.
    Delayed grief- It is more painful to try to forget that remember.
    pretending that you’re not grieving requires enormous energy. It can affect our health, well-being, sense of meaning and purpose, and cause us to question what we have always believed and create great disappointment and depression as what we expected/dreamed did not come to pass. Our reactions to such devastation and loss vary greatly for good reason. We might cope well in areas and not so well in others. We must allow ourselves to grieve, and we all grieve in different ways for various lengths of time. Don’t try to push down these feelings as it seems they come back with greater fury. Give yourself time to go through the grief at your own pace and in your own individual way.
    The only remedy for grief is to grieve.
    The feelings you bury won’t go away, even if you try to throw yourself into your work or other things. The feelings will only fester below the surface for years and may erupt without warning. Facing the pain, allows you to work through it, to admit to yourself how deeply your loss runs. Only then can you gradually ease your grip on the past and face the life ahead of you with restored energy and, yes, happiness.
    When we are able to face our grief, it can become the salve that heals our wounds and even strengthens our relationships. Unspoken, intense feelings can have an unhealthy effect over time, so find a good listener.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Many widowed experience isolation, loneliness, fear of dependence, fear of financial problems, and the tendency to trust people they don’t know.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    FEELINGS INCLUDING ANGER

    Along with sadness you may be hit by a flood of other sometimes conflicting feelings: anger, helplessness, fear, guilt, regret, loneliness, despair. The many stages of grief (shock, numbness, denial, depression, confusion, fear, anger, bitterness, guilt, acceptance , regret, hope may come in any order and any number of times.
    Anger is a normal part of grief. We look for someone to blame: the doctors, the driver, the loved one who had gone so far beyond your reach, the God who allows such pain. You might be angry with God but God can handle it. HE will still love you. Be honest with God.
    You will probably be shocked that venomous words that you would normally never say that will come out of your mouth. When it happens apologize and recognize that it is a human urge to lash out that is causing it. (And if it happens to you by someone who has lost someone, be understanding.) Anger that is felt but never expressed, loneliness that never lets up, grief that won’t let go all may be the source of depression.
    Exercise vigorously to burn away the anger. The anger arises our of your heart, not our head. So does the ability to forgive. But acknowledging the hurt is the first step in forgiving. And forgiving is the path to peace–not for the person you are angry with, but for you.

    Days may seem weighed down by a sense of hopelessness.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    CHANGES

    There is a new normal that changes everyday.
    cherish the life and love you and your spouse shared. Nothing can take that away from you. Realize that now you are a different person, a better person for having known and loved your spouse and for having been known and loved in return. Fill your life with other people Your family and friends can bring joy and richness to your life if you let them. Invite them to your home to spend time, to sit and relax, talk and share a meal. Being able to spend an extended length of time with loved ones can be a blessing.
    In whatever community, give of yourself to make it warmer, closer. Done right you will get back more than what you give. Do things you like to do that will put you in touch with others.
    Sometimes I am anxious and afraid. I cry a lot. I miss him so much–the companionship, the thoughtful conversations. someone with whom to travel an to have dinners out , to discuss the day, the deep hugs, being loved.
    Although your relationships and social life changes since it may not be couple-oriented much you can make valuable new friendships with other widowed or single persons.
    While there will be days when it seems a huge piece of you has been ripped from your life and a gaping hole is left, you will have days of celebrating new beginnings.
    Your life and roles are different now and many of the changes you will experience can be positive ones.
    Your routine might change and you might want to move things to your preference for which drawer to keep the silverware or maybe you want to sleep in on Saturday. Living alone allows you the freedom to follow your own preferences. And that’s a gift you can give yourself in the difficult days.
    At the same time feel the emptiness within you.

    For Instant Relaxation, Breathe in while you count slowly to four. Exhale while you count to eight. Repeat for one minute. The trick is to always exhale for twice as long as you inhale. Try it now.Why it works: Breathing at this rhythm increases your heart rate variability—the slight differences in time from one heartbeat to the next. In the long term, high heart rate variability protects against stress, anxiety, and pain. In the short term, it shifts your body from an anxious state to a calm-and-connected one. Muscles relax, heart rate decreases, and your mood improves. In other words: You’re ready to win the day.

    CHANGES HELP WITH HEALING

    Widows are said to be the most powerful group of women because they are often forced to step outside of their comfort zone to stretch their abilities and to do things that they’ve never tried before; something they would never have imagined possible because they had always been afraid. However, this is actually very important in the healing process to do something they may have felt very apprehensive about in the past. You will be able to look to count the things you never thought you could do, things someone else always took care of…. dealing with mechanics…you see how far they have come.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    GOD

    Trust that life doesn’t end with death. Trust that loved ones who have died are forever with God and that God s forever with us., too.
    It is powerful to remember that there is a Divine Light within us all, even in our darkest days. Like the sun, it is there even in the midst of storms, in the middle of the hardest nights, in the deepest recess of our grief.
    What I know beyond a shadow of a doubt is that God is with me. I know that he’s always been with me. It is evident in everything I have endured–and the fact that I made it through with some sanity. –acclaimed actor and director TYLER PERRY, who survived an abusive childhood
    Happiness is knowing there is a God…and being on speaking terms with him.
    Psalm 68:5 ESV
    Father of the fatherless and protector of widows is God in his holy habitation.
    Be aware of God’s presence at the center of your being and live out this awareness. Let this be your foundation and your compass…your grounding.
    Praying always helps Pray and keep praying even when it is hard. If words don’t come, just know that you are never really alone. God is there for those who cry out to him in their sorrow.
    Walking with God through your faith will deepen your faith. God will walk you through it. You are an integral part of God’s plan and precious to God. Your grief may not be finished at 18 months or when you thought it would.
    As Job learned, God wants to be in relationship with us no matter how we are feeling.

  20. Donna says:

    “Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith. It is the price of love.” Author unknown
    Delayed grief- We must allow ourselves to grieve, and we all grieve in different ways for various lengths of time.
    Everyone is lonely at times, even married people.

    Books on grief helped with the sleepless nights to find much solace.

    Reach out t others and allow them to help carry that heavy pain. Stoicism will not help but there are many persons who will if you give them an idea of your needs and desires.
    Praying always helps
    Keeping a journal can provide a healing catharsis.
    You may worry and have regrets. Be gentle with yourself. Your loved one would not judge you harshly.
    There will be days when it seems a huge piece of you has been ripped from your life and a gaping hole is left. However you will have days of celebrating new beginnings.
    Your life and roles are different now and many of the changes you will experience can be positive ones.
    NPR (National Public Radio)
    Invitations may be difficult to accept but it is best to accept as many as possible.
    At first widows think those who come to them immediately (both family and friends) will always be there. Widows need to understand that they have their own lives and drift off. It is hard to realize but it does happen.
    Call people as well as expecting them to call you.
    Some will not know what to say and might avoid you. Try not to let it hurt you too deeply.
    You owe it to your family to keep living
    When someone wants to help you, let them. They may need it more than you!

    Consider that your loved one is happy–free of pain and hassles–and that you will be together again.
    If you died, would you want your loved ones to deeply mourn the rest of their lives Or would you want them to enjoy life as much a possible. This is what they want for you now.
    Although your relationships and social life changes since it may not be couple-oriented much you can make valuable new friendships with other widowed or single persons.
    Widow groups- Shared tears and laughter are healing; trying to help others is a potent pain reliever.
    Maintain your strength with a nutritious diet and physical exercise, especially walking helps clear your mind.
    Cry if you need to and don’t worry if you don’t seem to be getting much accomplished for awhile.
    You will find that as you make adjustments to your life, you may develop greater independence. Gaining new confidence in your own actions and decisions you may like the feeling of overcoming natural fears that might have kept you from doing things. You will feel pride and pleasure about the new paths you are taking.
    Walking with God through your faith will deepen your faith. God will walk you through it. You are an integral part of God’s plan and precious to God. Your grief may not be finished at 18 months or when you thought it would.
    We still feel a sense of loss on anniv,holidays or when we least expect it. We may still feel a lump in the throat years after the loss because healing does not mean forgetting, and because moving on with life does not mean that we don’t take a part of our lost loved one with us.

    Music of all types can be a mood elevator.
    Pets can be a source of comfort with their unabashed affection.

  21. Davis says:

    you can’t go over it or around it, you have to go through it.
    There is no detour around the pain; the only way past it is through it.

    Grief is not a feeling. It is a process a slow journey toward acceptance and peace. And it s a hard journey , a long letting go of someone who was important to you in more ways than you fully realized.
    Grief blinds you from seeing new hope and new life.
    Sadness needs it’ own time; it demands it, even though we wish it weren’t so
    While grief is a very private emotion it can also be all consuming, if not shared. We all need others who can carry us when our own strength has simply left us.
    Grief needs proper treatment-understanding, patience and compassion.

    The feelings you bury won’t go away, even if you try to throw yourself into your work or other things. The feelings will only fester below the surface for years and may erupt without warning. Facing the pain, allows you to work through it, to admit to yourself how deeply your loss runs. Only then can you gradually ease your grip on the past and face the life ahead of you with restored energy and, yes, happiness.
    Something deep within ourselves does die when a loved on is taken from us. and we may feel that there is a big black cloud handing over our head

  22. Davis says:

    Loss of a Spouse is Ranked #1 Stressor -according to the Holmes & Rahe stress scale

    The death of a spouse is rated among the most stressful life events a person can experience. It can affect our health, well-being, sense of meaning and purpose, and cause us to question what we have always believed and create great disappointment and depression as what we expected/dreamed did not come to pass. Our reactions to such devastation and loss vary greatly for good reason. We might cope well in areas and not so well in others. The only remedy for grief is to grieve.

    http://widowwednesday.com/media/a-widowhood-workshop/

  23. Pat says:

    Notes I made from reading:
    There is a new normal and it changes everyday. If I don’t change with it, its my fault. I am the one with the choice. Embracing it I find no small measure of happiness and gratitude.

    In whatever community, give of yourself to make it warmer, closer. Done right you will get back more than what you give. Do things you like to do that will put you in touch with others.

    Sometimes I am anxious and afraid. I cry a lot. I miss him so much–the companionship, the thoughtful conversations. someone with whom to travel an to have dinners out , to discuss the day, the deep hugs, being loved.

    I often feel lonely overwhelmed, stressed exhausted, but most of the time I am at peace.

    Tears help us grieve and grow stronger, so don’t hold them back. When we are able to face our grief, it can become the salve that heals our wounds and even strengthens our relationships. Unspoken, intense feelings can have an unhealthy effect over time, so find a good listener.

    Healing power of tribute making-capture the essence of your lost loved one in your tribute and try to lose yourself in the making of the tribute.

    Pain usually diminishes over time and what we are left with are the cherished memories of profoundly important relationships that will always influence our lives.

    Some wake up at an early hour. They might instant message others in their grief group or go to grief internet chat rooms so they can communicate with other late-night grievers. There are lots of them including but certainly not limited to: : http://www.city-data.com/forum/grief-mourning

  24. Bill W. says:

    Crying is a way your eyes speak when your mouth can’t explain how broken your heart is.

    For some moments in life, there are simply no words to describe the pain within us.

    In the blink of an eye, everything can change. So make the most with those who mean the most. Forgive often and love with all your heart. You may never know when you may not have that chance again.

  25. Justin says:


    Leonard Cohen – Dance Me to the End of Love

  26. M.Louise says:

    Written by Andy Rooney, a man who had the gift of saying so much with so
    few words.

    I’ve learned…. That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
    I’ve learned…. That when you’re in love, it shows.
    I’ve learned … That just one person saying to me, ‘You’ve made my day!’ makes my day.
    I’ve learned…. That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.
    I’ve learned…. That being kind is more important than being right.
    I’ve learned…. That you should never say no to a gift from a child.
    I’ve learned…. That I can always pray for someone when I don’t have the strength to help him in any other way.
    I’ve learned….That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.
    I’ve learned….That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.
    I’ve learned…. That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.
    I’ve learned…. That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
    I’ve learned…. That we should be glad God doesn’t give us everything we ask for.
    I’ve learned…. That money doesn’t buy class.
    I’ve learned…. That it’s those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
    I’ve learned… That under everyone’s hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
    I’ve learned….That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
    I’ve learned…. That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.
    I’ve learned….That love, not time, heals all wounds.
    I’ve learned…. That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.
    I’ve learned…. That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
    I’ve learned…. That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
    I’ve learned… That life is tough, but I’m tougher.
    I’ve learned…. That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.
    I’ve learned…. That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
    I’ve learned…. That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.
    I’ve learned…. That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.
    I’ve learned…. That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
    I’ve learned…. That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, you’re hooked for life.
    I’ve learned….That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you’re climbing it.
    I’ve learned…. That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

  27. Timmi says:

    If you find someone who makes you smile, who checks up on you often to see if you’re okay, who watches out for you and wants the very best for you, keep them close and don’t take them for granted. People like that are hard to find.

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